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When Rosa Manriquez sat down with us six years ago, she told the story of how she went from resenting the gay ex-husband who abandoned the family, to embracing her lesbian daughters. We recently caught up with her and got to hear a bit more about how she overcame her own homophobia and the work she’s doing to contribute to a more welcoming tomorrow.
Transcript provided by YouTube:
00:00
[Music]
00:05
welcome to this week’s story update
00:07
where we’re going to be speaking with
00:08
rosa manriquez and before we do let’s
00:11
take a look at her story
00:14
i’m rosa manriquez and i’m from los
00:17
angeles
00:18
and when people ask me um
00:22
what i am you know if i’m lgbtq
00:26
a what am i um i tell people
00:29
i’m neither i don’t identify by my
00:31
sexuality
00:32
i’m a mother and a grandmother um
00:35
i was raised catholic i’m still very
00:37
much catholic
00:39
and i went to catholic school and i was
00:42
going to be a nun but
00:44
that went by the wayside when i met
00:47
enrique
00:48
and so with enrique he was like my first
00:50
everything first
00:51
kiss first date everything fell in love
00:53
with him we got married
00:55
and we ended up having children but
00:58
honestly
00:59
i mean there was no marriage there and
01:01
enrique was gay
01:03
and he never came out of the closet but
01:06
the signs were all there
01:09
being a good mexican wife i refused to
01:11
see those signs
01:13
i just figured i could carry the family
01:16
by doing what i had been taught to do
01:18
one morning he came home and he told me
01:21
i can’t do this anymore
01:23
and he abandoned the family and
01:26
i found things like pictures and love
01:30
letters
01:30
and the like and at that point
01:34
for me the face of gay was enrique
01:38
and i really hated him
01:41
and it followed that i hated anyone who
01:44
was gay
01:45
his lovers and anybody else and i
01:48
honestly
01:48
agreed that anyone who was gay who was
01:51
gay should go to hell
01:54
i was upset because my heart had been
01:57
broken
01:58
i was abandoned with two little
02:00
daughters
02:01
two infants i had debt
02:04
just all the way through the roof
02:08
and it was really a difficult time for
02:10
me
02:11
but having my background my up raising
02:14
being raised
02:15
catholic and and being devout
02:18
i realized that i couldn’t let a lie
02:22
be the basis of my life including the
02:24
lie that he was all that
02:26
um through it was through a lot of
02:28
prayer and retreats and
02:30
talking to people that i trusted as
02:32
spiritual advisors and
02:34
what i understood after a while was that
02:38
enrique was not a demon or an angel he
02:40
wasn’t a saint he was not a sinner
02:42
he was just a plain old human being
02:46
and so that was really really important
02:48
because
02:49
i knew that for the rest of my life i
02:52
was going to be looking at the faces of
02:53
those two little girls
02:55
and i was going to see enrique and so as
02:58
a latina especially
03:00
familia is very important to us and
03:04
no one can tell us that
03:08
there is ever any reason to not love our
03:10
children
03:12
when my youngest daughter cecilia was
03:15
in high school she came out to me
03:19
and what happened was that you know my
03:21
my daughter cecilia is like
03:23
a really emotional person if she’s happy
03:27
the whole world is happy everybody is
03:29
singing it looks like
03:30
some scene from enchanted she’s cooking
03:33
everything’s great
03:35
but if she is not happy we all know the
03:37
dogs hide
03:38
the clouds cover the sky you know and
03:42
we’re just careful around here so she
03:43
came home one day
03:45
when she was in high school and she was
03:46
just quiet just didn’t say anything
03:49
and i thought that was kind of strange
03:52
and she came up to me and she said mom
03:56
i’ve got something to tell you but don’t
03:58
get mad i thought she was pregnant
04:02
she started crying and she was just
04:05
falling apart in front of me and i got
04:06
scared i thought what if she’s
04:08
hooked on drugs what if she bring a drug
04:10
dealer i mean all kinds of
04:11
crazy nonsense and she was having a hard
04:14
time talking and getting
04:15
the words out and she told me mom
04:19
don’t hate me i date girls
04:23
i like girls don’t hate me
04:26
and that was pretty hard because
04:29
um you know for me i
04:32
i would do anything for my kids
04:39
i think to myself i would even die for
04:41
my kids
04:43
and there would be no way i could hate
04:45
them i don’t understand this whole thing
04:46
of a parent hating their kids
04:48
i don’t get it but she was in front of
04:51
me
04:53
believing with all her heart that i was
04:56
going to hate her
05:00
um we talked you know i told her
05:04
you know mija you know i love you now
05:06
the way i loved you before you told me
05:08
that
05:09
the way i’ll love you until i die you
05:12
know
05:13
you’re my jewel you’re my gift from god
05:19
what it was would concern me was that
05:22
growing up because she had been
05:23
abandoned
05:25
she resented her father her father
05:27
intensely
05:30
and it it hurt me to see that
05:33
it must have been so hard for her to
05:35
struggle with
05:37
with with knowing that she’s lesbian
05:40
and somehow connecting that that some
05:43
part of her father
05:45
was inside of her although i don’t think
05:48
because he was gay and she’s lesbian
05:50
that that meant that that part of him
05:52
was inside of her
05:53
i mean it’s like you know it it’s just
05:56
who she is
05:57
but i could feel that that’s what she
05:59
associated
06:01
and so it must have just been a struggle
06:03
it must have been painful for her
06:06
to have admitted to herself that she is
06:09
lesbian
06:10
i counseled her on you know love and
06:13
commitment and
06:15
trust and having self-respect for
06:17
herself i mean all of these things that
06:18
you’re supposed to tell your children
06:21
and i think i did okay except for one
06:23
thing that i told her and that was
06:24
careful who you tell
06:27
and i feel badly having told her careful
06:29
who you tell
06:30
i i told her out of fear but there’s
06:32
something wrong with that something very
06:35
wrong
06:35
if she had been straight i had would
06:37
never have told my daughter careful who
06:39
you tell
06:41
and it’s got to change you know
06:46
we can’t be worried that our kids are
06:48
gonna be harmed because of who they love
06:51
okay i’m so happy to see you again rosa
06:54
it’s been almost
06:55
six years how are you doing during this
06:57
whole pandemic
06:58
and you know how’s life um we’re doing
07:02
remarkably well actually we have been
07:05
restricted to our home
07:07
um self-restricted to our home since
07:10
march 13th and we call this rancho
07:14
gonzalez it’s um
07:16
10 of us here 12 of you count the cat
07:19
and the dog actually 13 got another dog
07:22
and um we’re doing very well thank you
07:26
good i’m glad that you’re you’re hanging
07:28
in there all right i’m happy here it’s
07:30
lovely being with my family i keep
07:32
thinking if this is what heaven is like
07:34
what i’m living right now
07:35
i’m good with it so one question that i
07:38
have
07:39
about your story and there were some
07:41
comments about this also on the youtube
07:43
video
07:44
if you don’t mind talking about it have
07:46
you been in touch with
07:48
enrique in the past i mean
07:51
10 years or the past five years or any
07:53
amount of time
07:54
after the events that happened in your
07:55
story he
07:58
died um i imagine
08:01
it must have been about 10 years ago um
08:05
it probably maybe even more and
08:09
we found out because my daughter my
08:11
youngest daughter
08:13
um went to go visit her paternal
08:15
grandmother
08:17
uh with my mother they they went to go
08:19
and visit
08:20
and every time she would do that um
08:23
because it wasn’t the first time but
08:24
every time she would do it she would ask
08:26
for her father
08:27
and the last time she went the woman
08:30
told her oh he passed away
08:32
last week oh no he did and
08:36
she was there in juarez for a while so
08:38
she went to go and look for his death
08:40
certificate
08:41
and he did pass away from aids from hiv
08:44
aids
08:46
um so sorry that’s that must be hard on
08:49
you but especially your daughter as well
08:51
i was going to say you know it bothered
08:55
me and um
08:58
in a sense it does bother me a little
09:00
bit but not as much as the impact that
09:02
it made on my
09:03
youngest daughter um although she has
09:07
turned it around
09:08
now and she said i’ve never asked him
09:10
for anything but at this
09:12
point i’m telling him that he has to be
09:15
the guardian of my children he owes them
09:18
that much
09:20
well that’s well thanks for the the
09:23
update on that um is there
09:26
in your story you you know and a lot of
09:29
the comments kind of talk to this also
09:30
about
09:32
the journey that you went on to go from
09:35
you know the quote that you use in the
09:37
story that all gays should go to hell
09:39
to you know being so open and accepting
09:42
and something i always loved about you
09:43
sharing that story was how honest you
09:45
were about that about your journey
09:47
what would you tell to someone who is at
09:49
the earlier
09:50
steps of your journey where you know
09:52
they might have been with someone who
09:54
came out as gay or
09:55
left them or hurt them in some way and
09:57
they now have these negative feelings
09:59
towards
10:00
the queer community in general what
10:02
would you say to to kind of help them
10:03
through that
10:04
journey um a good friend of mine
10:07
now helped me um
10:10
understand the perspective of
10:13
parents of children who are gay and
10:17
are coming out and it makes me think
10:20
that well that was me too
10:22
and what she told me was to be patient
10:26
with myself
10:28
with you know my kids and him
10:31
says they were ready to come out of the
10:33
closet you weren’t ready
10:34
to come out of the closet with them
10:38
they were ready to be who they were you
10:40
weren’t ready to be
10:42
um the mother of these two lesbian women
10:47
or the wife of a gay man
10:50
um you weren’t ready for that and it’s a
10:52
process
10:53
it takes time and yeah she was right
10:57
she was right so just take
11:00
time you know learn as you go along and
11:03
accept what’s happening
11:05
you learn as you go along you take it
11:07
one step at a time
11:09
you know it’s also saying goodbye
11:13
to your own dreams your own attitudes
11:16
your own thoughts of what life was
11:18
supposed to be
11:20
it’s learning to say goodbye to that and
11:23
accepting
11:24
what life is you know it’s it’s finding
11:27
out
11:28
what that joke means of how do you make
11:30
god laugh tell god your plans
11:32
you know you know you’re expecting a
11:35
white picket fence and the two children
11:37
and the dog and you know
11:39
the scene from little shop of horrors
11:41
where she has the 1950s house held
11:44
of um donna reid and the rest no
11:48
no that’s not what that’s not what i was
11:51
put here to live as and
11:54
i would say don’t
11:59
don’t close any doors you don’t have to
12:01
close
12:02
don’t refuse to accept and embrace the
12:05
happiness that is there
12:07
i feel really really bad for people who
12:09
decide
12:10
um there is no joy in what happened at
12:13
all
12:14
yes there is there is this joy you know
12:17
and enrique had things that
12:20
were really beautiful too um
12:24
and if anything he had his own demons he
12:26
had to deal with
12:27
he may have dealt with them very poorly
12:30
but
12:31
you know i mean when it comes down to it
12:34
i can’t expect my dog to to meow
12:37
my dog is not a cat i can never meow
12:40
no matter how much i train him
12:43
um does that mean the dog is worthless
12:45
of course not
12:47
the dog is precious the dog is wonderful
12:49
it just doesn’t meow and
12:52
and i think to be able to get to that
12:54
just takes a lot of prayer a lot of
12:57
self analyzing a lot of looking at what
12:59
we really expect out of life
13:02
and learning how to enjoy what we do get
13:05
and what about
13:06
people who say you know aren’t you mad
13:08
at him for wasting all those years of
13:09
your life what would you say to
13:11
them well part of me is mad
13:15
part of me um i i used to think to
13:18
myself i’ve forgiven them except i have
13:20
to give him one
13:21
good hard right to the jaw and then i’ll
13:24
be fine then i can look at him and tell
13:26
him how the hell have you been henry
13:28
[Music]
13:30
but um you know
13:34
what you feed is what will grow and
13:37
to feed anger and regret and all of the
13:39
rest of that why
13:40
feed that and let it grow that’s useless
13:44
um and when it comes down to it
13:48
it took the two of us to make this
13:49
happen and
13:51
mean not not being
13:54
willing and saying that i wasn’t able to
13:57
really
13:57
look at what the situation was that was
14:00
also a choice
14:02
and i really did not end up with the raw
14:05
end of the deal
14:06
not at all i’ve got a beautiful family i
14:10
ended up with
14:11
two great daughters because of him
14:15
i ended up with um
14:18
with three great grand grandchildren
14:21
because of him i ended up with two
14:24
lovely daughters-in-law i mean my
14:27
daughters are so
14:28
lucky they found these women this is
14:31
lovely
14:32
so to say i got nothing good out of this
14:34
oh yes i did
14:36
yes i did that’s
14:39
that’s beautiful i love that um what
14:43
what else is going on in your life you
14:44
know anything i know it’s it’s a
14:46
pandemic and it’s hard to do stuff but
14:48
you know any other things that are
14:49
important to you right now that’s going
14:51
on that you wanted to share
14:52
um i’ve been doing um some anti-racism
14:57
type of work i i really did think when i
15:00
retired a few years back that i was just
15:02
going to be able to sit home and
15:04
finally read all the books i wanted to
15:05
read
15:08
but now with the situation in our
15:10
country the way it is
15:11
and so anti-immigrant and refugee
15:14
anti-people of color in general um
15:18
the economy really looking very very bad
15:21
very poor
15:23
um the pandemic itself with all of that
15:26
i find myself thinking no i can’t just
15:29
sit home and vegetate um
15:33
i really did start wanting to help with
15:36
um with people who are being detained in
15:39
the detention centers
15:41
concentration camps really and um
15:44
the children who have been taken away
15:46
from their families
15:48
and what that has gone into has been
15:51
anti-racism training in organizations
15:54
that are
15:55
liberal organizations that are not
15:57
anti-racist
15:59
at all and so one of them
16:02
is rcw plea rcwp
16:06
roman catholic women priest and through
16:10
rcwp also
16:11
i was ordained a roman catholic priest
16:15
the vatican’s not happy about that but
16:17
they’ll get over it
16:19
um and yes a lot of white feminists
16:23
in there and i was able to help get a
16:26
very
16:27
good friend of mine dr miguel de la
16:29
torre
16:30
from iliff university
16:33
to do a retreat on racism with them
16:37
and that pushed them on the western
16:40
region anyway
16:42
into reading and now looking for action
16:45
and i think the western region is going
16:47
to become
16:48
is going to become more you become
16:50
affiliated with the poor people’s
16:52
campaign
16:53
which i think is awesome um
16:56
my community the immaculate heart
16:58
community also no anti-racism
17:02
and i pushed and i pushed and i pushed
17:04
and i kept saying nope
17:06
you know we we are doing our banking
17:09
with wells fargo and that is wrong we
17:11
have blood on our hands
17:14
and that kept falling on deaf ears and
17:16
excuses
17:18
and finally i said i’m leaving after
17:22
more than 25 years i’m leaving and i
17:24
think that shook some people up
17:27
and i gave it a year and yes we’re out
17:29
of wells fargo
17:31
but it was when wells fargo pulled out
17:33
of the detention centers
17:34
and for me that’s not good enough we
17:37
have to look at why do we do what we do
17:40
and um i took some of the members of the
17:44
community
17:46
to nogales for
17:49
the school of the americas watch
17:52
and i took them to a demonstration
17:55
outside of the eloy detention center and
17:58
that did change hearts and minds
18:00
when they saw what was going on at the
18:02
wall and at the detention center
18:04
and so now um there is a push also for
18:07
anti-racism training
18:08
in the community um call to action
18:12
i left the vision council for a while i
18:15
had had pretty much enough
18:18
but i’m back again and um
18:21
i got on the anti-racism team there
18:24
and i’m working now then that’s the
18:26
national organization we’re working now
18:28
and bringing in
18:29
um people from younger generations and
18:32
actually doing things not just
18:36
writing letters and petitions doing
18:38
things
18:40
so um yeah there’s a few things i’ve
18:42
done i got arrested once too
18:44
and so just doing stuff
18:47
that’s a that that is not your textbook
18:49
retirement plan there
18:52
but uh thank you for doing all this
18:55
important work uh during your retirement
18:57
that that’s i’m so happy for you and
18:59
grateful for you
19:00
uh thanks for doing all that and also um
19:03
thanks for taking the time
19:04
uh to speak with us and if anyone has
19:06
who’s watching has any questions
19:08
for rosa leave them in the comments and
19:10
rosa maybe you can check back
19:11
periodically to
19:12
see if anyone has questions for you and
19:14
if you want to uh watch more stories
19:16
they are available on our website i’m
19:18
from driftwood.org
19:19
and also on our social media so check
19:21
them out and thanks for watching
19:23
bye
19:31
[Music]
—
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The post Rosa Manriquez on Overcoming Homophobia & Fighting for a Brighter Future [Video] appeared first on The Good Men Project.
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