My wife left in March 2016, and after several years of waiting — and occasionally trying to reconcile — I asked her to agree to a divorce. That process began in spring 2019, slowed to a crawl through the fall and next spring, and concluded in late summer 2020. Thanks to COVID, dating was then out of the question. But by spring 2021, it was time. I was ready. And my lovely 17-year-old daughter was urging me to try.
There was the issue of profile photos, however. One sad relic of my marriage was the absence of photos of me. I cannot take a good selfie, no matter how often I try. And I was not sure whom to ask. I mentioned this dilemma to my daughter (did I mention that she is lovely?), and for Father’s Day, she treated me to a nice lunch and took dozens of photos of me and of us. Some of them were actually good.
For a 56-year-old man, Tinder did not seem like the best dating app option. I understand that many twenty- and thirty-somethings are not looking for life partners, but I was. I liked the feature of Bumble that required women to make the first contact, but I chose eharmony. I decided to let women initiate contact voluntarily to see how that would go. It went well.
But as one reads in article after article about online dating, the person behind the profile is difficult to detect. One usually reads about photos that are too good and about disappointing realities. My experience was the opposite.
On eharmony, your profile photos cannot include anyone other than you. Once you pay your fee and complete some surveys, your profile is ready, and you are shown matches that you can reorganize several ways (by registration date, compatibility score with you, distance from you, etc.). I set my age range for matches from 48–60 (and failed to realize that I could also set a distance range — so I was confused by communications from women several hours or time zones away). My first impression: bad photos, slightly better profiles.
After a few hours on the site and a few communications, my second impression was better. Some profiles were impressive, but most were minimal and allusive. Small or odd details were paired with important facts, while other characteristics were left unanswered (e.g. religious or political affiliation). Some profiles resembled cooking competitions to create a delicious meal with a few and weird ingredients (ostrich egg, rose water, and celery root, anyone?). But there were very few good photos, and quite a few profiles without any photos at all.
Then I met a few women. Three to be precise, for coffee or meals, in my first two weeks on the site. Without exception, the women I met in my first three person-to-person outings were more beautiful than their profile photos. I assumed that, like me, they had not had someone to help them take a flattering photo, or did not want to ask. But then two of them showed me more flattering photos that they had on their phones. It occurred to me that many women might choose not to emphasize their beauty, to cut down on the “Hey, pretty lady!” responses they would get.
My attitude toward the site changed almost immediately. Now everyone looked beautiful in a way. The quirky smile, the odd angle, the awkward selfie, the slightly out-of-focus cropped group shot, all seemed like shadows on the wall of the cave hinting at the reality of the authentic women who embodied depth and warmth and humor and yes, beauty. I began the online dating process wary and tired; within those few weeks I became enthusiastic and open. I knew that my profile was not a perfect reflection of me, and I became compassionate toward “imperfect” profiles and curious about the real beauty that they might conceal.
My experiment did not last long: I met the woman that I have fallen in love with in my third week on the site. I feel amazed to have found her, and for her, I broke my rule: I initiated contact. And I’m glad that I did.
My brief experience may be worth sharing with those who have ears to hear — and eyes to see. If you seek someone to spend your life with, someone who will see your best and worst selves, take the opportunity to intuit their best, even when it is hidden in their average photos and reticent profiles. If there is something that sparks your interest, then provide yourself as the tinder for that spark. Every first date will not support a second; every conversation will not flow into another; some smiles may even be pained. But the one who looks for beauty will often find it, especially with an open and curious approach.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Eneida Hoti on Unsplash
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