How To Identify an Emotionally Absent Person

Have you ever dated someone with whom you had a lot of fun, but couldn’t find a way to connect with them emotionally?

Or, maybe you currently are with someone who keeps everything on a surface level, even though you’ve been seeing each other for a while? Maybe you feel like hitting a wall every time you try to get closer to them or make them open up?

If these situations sound familiar, chances are you have been/are involved with an emotionally absent person.

The term “emotionally absent” is a synonym for the term “emotionally unavailable”, and is used to describe people who are distant, closed, scared of intimacy, and unable to sustain emotional bonds in relationships.

Being in a relationship with someone who’s emotionally absent, is dangerous because we’re talking about a person who can’t truly commit to you or invest in your relationship. Someone who will keep creating emotional barriers, and bring unnecessary confusion, frustration, and even pain in your life.

In this article, we will dive in and take a closer look at what an emotionally absent (or emotionally unavailable) person looks like and how you can spot them at the early stages of your relationship — so that you avoid future frustration and pain, as well as losing your time and emotional energy.

Let’s dive right in.

. . .

#1. They Shy Away From Deep Conversations

Out of all the signs that indicate a person’s emotional detachment, for me the most tell-tale one is when they avoid going deep in your conversations.

Most people have the impression that a “deep” conversation with a partner is a conversation that centers around feelings and commitment. But that’s a misconception.

Any talk where someone reveals something meaningful about themselves, like a life goal they have or a childhood experience that had an impact on them can be considered “deep”. With emotionally absent people though, you get zero of those.

Opening up, even a little, means being vulnerable and that’s something they will avoid at any cost. That’s why they keep all conversations on a surface level and even shy away from discussing deeper topics like life goals, politics, or death — in order to avoid revealing their true thoughts/feelings on the matters.

Signs this is true in your case:

1. Your partner rarely reveals details about themselves, their lives, or their past.
2. Even though you’ve been with your partner for a while, you feel like you don’t really know them.
3. You’ve never heard your partner talking about feelings and emotional experiences.

. . .

#2. They Play the “Hot and Cold” Game

Another sign that indicates a partner is emotionally absent — or emotionally unavailable — is exhibiting hot and cold behavior.

One day they’re all over you and the next they seem cold and distant. There are days when they bombard you with messages, gifts, and sweet words and there are others when they disappear with no explanation whatsoever.

The most annoying thing is that when they’re good with you, they are really, really good with you. They treat you in a way that makes you forget about their former unacceptable behavior and reels you in.

As psychotherapist Erin Leonard explains in her article:

Signs this is true in your case:

1. Your partner often leaves you guessing as to when they’re going to talk to you and when your next date will be.
2. Your partner often leaves your calls or text messages unanswered for no reason.
3. Your partner disappears out of the blue and never explains their disappearance afterward.

. . .

#3. They Feel Uncomfortable With Emotional Situations

An emotionally absent person struggles with showing their emotions to the people around them. The idea that someone might see them sad, angry, hurt, or in pain, makes them uneasy.

As a result, they feel uncomfortable when finding themselves in the middle of an emotional situation and do whatever it takes to avoid them. Some examples of such situations include:

• fights
• arguments
• emotional confrontations
• goodbyes

As psychotherapist Sherry Gaba explains in her article in Psychology Today:

Signs this is true in your case:

1. Your partner seems unreceptive and uncomfortable every time you express your feelings.
2. Your partner becomes frustrated when you show your vulnerable side to them.
3. Your partner avoids even the smallest things that could betray their emotions (even something as simple as watching a sad movie with you).

. . .

#4. They Avoid Accountability

Admitting your mistakes and accepting accountability for your actions, comes with a lot of uncomfortable feelings, which is something emotionally absent people avoid.

That’s why when confronted, and told they are wrong, they refuse to change their course of action or even consider changing their point of view, and usually play the “blame-shifting” game.

As psychotherapist Erin Leonard explains in another one of her articles:

The whole blame-shifting game comes down to one thing: fear of vulnerability. In clinical social worker Meredith Prescott’s words:

Signs this is true in your case:

1. Your partner refuses to take responsibility for their actions or recognize their wrong behavior.
2. Every time you tell your partner they said or did something that hurt you, they either try to change the subject or laugh and tell you you’re overdramatic.
3. Whether it is losing their job or having a lot of unprecedented expenses, it seems like your partner is always blaming someone else for their problems and failures.

. . .

#5. Everything in Your Relationship Feels One-Sided

Do you feel like you’re the one who does all the work in your relationship? That your partner’s calendar and needs take priority over your own? Or maybe you’re the only one who makes plans for the future?

Obviously, in a healthy relationship, both people involved are supposed to equally invest in each other as well as in their relationship as a whole.

If everything in your relationship feels one-sided though — from time and effort to commitment — , it might mean that you’re involved with an emotionally absent person.

Signs this is true in your case:

1. You only see your partner when it’s convenient for them.
2. Your partner never talks about a future with you and shuts you down every time you bring up the future.
3. Your partner makes you feel like everything in their life is far more important than your relationship.

. . .

Putting It All Together…

If you’re not looking for commitment and want someone to simply have fun with, it doesn’t matter whether your partner is emotionally absent or not.

If, however, you want a serious relationship, being involved with an emotionally absent person, can bring a lot of frustration, stress, and pain in your life.

Make sure you pay attention and keep an eye out for the following red flags that can indicate a person is emotionally absent:

• shying away from deep conversations
• exhibiting hot and cold behavior
• feeling uncomfortable with emotional situations
• a tendency to avoid accountability
• acting in ways that make the relationship feel one-sided

If you recognize most of the above signs in your partner, it might be a good idea to take a step back and consider whether it’s wise to continue investing in your relationship. The harsh truth is that you can’t make someone emotionally available just by loving them; they must be willing to change themselves.

Until they get to that place, it might be better to move on to someone who’s emotionally ready to support a serious relationship and fulfill your emotional needs.

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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.

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