Fear of Abandonment vs. Fear of Engulfment in Relationships

“The more you deliberately seek happiness the more sure you are not to find it. It is therefore far better to take things as they come along, with patience and equanimity.” — Carl Jung

Over the years, I’ve had people ask me if there’s such a thing as being “too close” to someone. Others have asked me if there’s such a thing as being “too detached”.

The short answer: Yes, on both accounts.

I write a lot about emotional unavailability because, well…I’ve experienced it. I get it. I’m shooting from the hip when I talk to others about it because I feel that the more we use words like “unavailable” or “push-pull” from a zipped up overly scholarly perspective, the more head-scratching we wind up doing. And the more confused we become.

First, what is emotional unavailability? And, what isn’t it? There’s a lot of misinformation that balks at emotional unavailability as simply a byproduct of narcissistic bosses or lessons learned the hard way from bad relationships.

OK, sure. Maybe.

But, typically that’s the end-game. To understand it, we need to rewind the clock back to childhood, then fast-forward it to how it has affected us as adults.

Those who are emotionally unavailable typically have a preferred “unavailability” they’ve adopted as part and parcel of their relationships: either a fear of abandonment or a fear of engulfment. Yet, since unavailability is two sides of the same coin, both sides are needed to keep the cycle going.

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Two Sides Of The Same Coin

Both types of emotional unavailability are often exciting and high-energy. They can laugh and crack jokes with the best of them. They can be intelligent, wise beyond their years, quick-witted, your gym buddy, your best friend when it comes to business, and be highly driven.

Sign me up, right?

Not so fast…

Now, here’s where the unavailability begins.

They also battle their own emotions which limits how much they can be emotionally present for themselves and others, including you. The closer you are to them or the more intuitive you are yourself, the deeper down the rabbit hole you go trying to reach them.

They often come from toxic or abusive childhoods where what children are seeing, they’re learning to do as they go.

If today mom has a tendency to emotionally smother her kids or is overly protective, violent or demanding, it’s planting the seed for tomorrow, as the adult who fears engulfment, pushes away intimacy and resents emotional closeness. Thus, triggering the partner who fears abandonment.

On the flipside, those who fear abandonment struggle with being alone.

Their inner critic kicks into high gear when they’ve got too much time on their hands, so they’re often “chasing” relationships or being overly-invested in an existing one to affirm their identity. If you’ve ever questioned how someone seems to become a totally different person from one relationship to the next, this is why.

Naturally, to the partner who fears engulfment, being “chased” will trigger their fear.

Both types of emotional unavailability typically have histories of abandoning relationships or sabotaging them just as the relationship shows promise, but usually for opposing reasons.

The partner who fears engulfment will begin feeling suffocated or trapped, like their partner is too attentive, too grabby, too clingy. So, they push away. They tell their partner to stop being so damn clingy. They grab their car keys and leave the house to clear their head.

And, it’s usually this response that kicks the other partner’s fear of abandonment into high gear where they’re trying even harder to win them over…kicking another round of the cycle into gear.

Both live in defense mechanisms — with denial, rationalizations and projections being among their favorites. It’s easier on the Ego to just smooth things over by convincing themselves things are fine, or that their partner is to blame for how they reacted. But, defense mechanisms are also what stand in the way of their self-awareness and growth.

Many also have a need for control and/or a fear of being controlled, so there’s a tendency to shut down or run when feeling emotionally threatened. For example, if a kid isn’t allowed to grow into who they’re supposed to be, not only can this set them up for a lack of self-identity, it breeds a need to control for everything in their life, especially controlling for the possibility of abandonment.

However, even the most emotionally unavailable person has had the fleeting thought “…What if?” run through their mind at one time or another when it comes to the possibility of love. What if this can work out. What if they really love me. What if this is the real deal. What if I went all-in for once.

What. If.

Of course it’s short-lived. It’s pushed away. It’s snuffed out or stuffed down because at about the same time they’re thinking of anything possible outside of their high emotional walls or deep emotional moats, they get triggered. Fear. Panic. An overwhelming need to get the hell out — to run.

What may be less known, or at least less discussed, is that both fears can flip-flop. On one side you have a person who can start out as more emotionally stoic, independent and avoidant. They tend to keep the relationship at arms-distance, or find ways to push away by looking for flaws in their partner while adding more bricks to their wall.

On the flipside, you have a partner who starts out as more insecure, fearing abandonment where they’re trying to be Superman/Superwoman. They’re overly attentive, overly can-do, overly supportive and overly trying to “fix” or “save” their partner from pushing away or running away.

The more one pushes, the harder the other pulls. This identifies the hook; the addiction. They’re both seen as challenges to each other.

Those who start out tapping the brakes, feeling overwhelmed or trying to keep the relationship superficial and fun, will oftentimes flip to feeling a threat of abandonment just as the other partner gives up trying to overly involve themselves.

And, the partner who starts out as going full-throttle in the relationship, often starts tapping the brakes about the same time the other partner starts picking up speed.

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Stopping The Coin Flip

In rare(r) cases, one or both partners may begin to see longstanding patterns, or may become more in tune with their feelings. They may notice they’ve abandoned every relationship they’ve had.

They may notice that at about the same time they jump ship, they’re feeling like they can’t breathe, can’t move or can’t think. They may have intrusive thoughts on a loop of being abandoned or trapped, triggering their flight response.

In time, they may start piecing it together that those feelings and actions often accompanied a fear of engulfment or abandonment. Jumping ship was the only way they could feel relief.

If they ended the relationship fearing abandonment, they’re usually very quick to replace the discarded partner. If they ended the relationship fearing engulfment, they typically avoid relationships, at least until that feeling passes.

In even rarer cases, one or both partners may see the cycles, recognize the patterns and choose growth — ideally with their partner. The problem is that the coin flip is what keeps the relationship in play. If one partner wants to stop the coin flip, that leaves two choices for the other partner: agree to self-improvement and stop the game, or continue it a new relationship.

And really, if we’ve made a promise to ourselves and chose growth, why take the risk of another coin flip?..

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References

Bowlby, J. (1978). Attachment theory and its therapeutic implications. Adolescent Psychiatry, 6, 5–33.

Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. Basic Books; New York.

Maslow, A. H. (1954). Motivation and personality. New York: Harper.

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This post was previously published on Medium.

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