When it comes to dating, there are a lot of ifs involved. How can you know that someone is comfortable being around you? How can you even know if they like you? It’s easier if they told you, but a lot of that takes both people out of the moment. Because of this, you need to be able to read someone’s body language. Looking for the cues that allow you to build a relationship with a potential partner.
Creating a connection is a lot more than exchanging numbers and texting every day. You want to be in the moment. I’ve written before about courtship and the best way to create attraction. Yet there is a separate under-layer to it all. Since you want to create a connection from the very first moment you lay your eyes on someone. Here is how you can better get to know people without asking a million questions.
Be more animated
There is something that brings us closer to easygoing people. To show yourself as someone that is more approachable is to be more animated. You can express yourself better in those situations but it does take some time if you’ve never done it.
Taking an improv class at your local theatre is a great way to learn how. Say you’re sharing a story with friends. Usually, exaggerated movement or an impression of something will get a laugh. And the same goes for people you’ve recently met.
You can also take a note from Italians. They are some of the most animated people out there. Gesticulating every single word they utter. It adds more meaning and intensity to speech. While it may feel like it’s too much of a hassle, it pays off. So invest in being able to express yourself in more ways than in speech. A first impression only gets you so far if it’s only based on looks.
This also means you need to have lots of stories to tell. Even if you have to write them down and memorize them. These stories reflect who you are as a person. They should be embedded with different triggers that share more about who you are. These should be good qualities that showcase your better traits. The more you have negative talk in your stories about yourself, the harder it’s for others to see you as trustworthy.
Test for comfort
The main way to find out if you’re heading in the right direction is to test for a response. This is done in two ways. The first way is to gauge comprehension by asking a question. The second way is to see how receptive the other person is to your touch.
It’s easy to ask questions. The important part is to listen to the response. If you’re in the middle of a story, what happens if you stop? Are people wanting to hear more? Or will they simply go back to what they were doing?
This takes some time to develop but with practice, everyone can be a good storyteller. The important thing is to add emotional triggers to it. When you exaggeratedly describe things, you allow people to think with those same emotions. The other way is to ask in the middle of your story “Can you guess what happened next?” This allows you to test and see if others are engaged. There are lots of ways to ask these questions and you can find what works best for you.
The second way is to gauge for touch. If you are looking for a partner, sooner or later you will have to be comfortable touching each other. It releases several hormones that allow you to bond together. But this is very often misinterpreted. Usually, by the big “hand over the shoulder” at a movie, or “the kiss” at the end of a date.
These are very big commitments of touch and they can put someone on edge because there was no build-up beforehand. So an easy way to overcome this is to touch the other person as often as possible. This can be as innocuous as a punch in the arm, holding hands or moving the hair out of someone’s face. The more these little gestures are embedded in conversation, the more natural it is.
There is of course a scale of what is considered appropriate touch. A kiss means a lot more than a handshake. Yet it requires a build-up. As you get more used to each other’s touch the more “natural” the progression will become. I will break down this scale in another post as it deserves a lot more attention. But the way you test is to move up the scale. From touching hands to getting closer to each other and ultimately going in for the kiss and so on. If you encounter tension in the other person, they are not yet comfortable with you. So you need to stay where you are and try again later once you have built up the comfort.
It’s something you develop over time and you need to practice to understand how it works. You have to learn how to weave your stories with ways to gauge interest and physical touch. That is how you can be invited to be part of someone else’s world. Miss this step and most people will think you are only trying to get something from them.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
 White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism |
 Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box |
 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
 What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
—
Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com
The post How to Create a Connection with a Potential Partner appeared first on The Good Men Project.